very-funny

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.” “Uh huh,” said the old man. “We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman. “Uh huh,” said the o…

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and o…

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the …

After 15 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 10 years, but the demands of m…

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like someth…

An old man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful uniformed woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that, because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing…

Little Johnny’s mother had been noticing that his math grades had been steadily declining. She decided to have a chat with Johnny about his disinterest in math, being more responsible with his studies, and the importance of bringing his grade up. The next quarter ended, Johnny’s report card came out, and his math grad…

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously. “What happened!! I'll tell you what happened I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home…

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the…

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go Camping With His Friends Then This Happens A few days before the group's annual departure date, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the …

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a “night light” and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the…

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, "Why did you do that??" The trooper responds, "You're in Texas now son, you have th…

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the…

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Fr…

A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really looking rough. The doc says, “What happened?” The woman replies, “Every time my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home.” The doc thinks for a minute and says, “I have a remedy for that. The next time your husband comes home drunk …