very-funny

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actual…

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn`t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack …

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?” “Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!” “Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.” “I object!” …

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.” The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain …

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break……?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Ar*e Hole” . …

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college. A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything. He …

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thi…

Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it. So…

If you're ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story! A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends Just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won't be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.” Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked …

A girl is about to tie the knot and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. “Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?” The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates. “Pra…

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from hi…

A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his Mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said: For cutting the grass: $5.00 For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00 For going to …

A new blonde hostess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant wa…

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks e…