very-funny

Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having s*x with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.” The man get in the closet and little johnny says “Dark in here isn’t it?” The man is startled bu…

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar. They talk. They connect. they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds a…

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every …

An elderly man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the elderly man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The el…

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call asap, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block. He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor. Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to c…

I got chatting to a girl in a club. “Can I buy you a drink ?” I asked. “Have you not got a girlfriend ?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.” “No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her. “Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.” A few drinks l…

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk. “It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk. “Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied. “No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!” The husband waits patient…

was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot.” “What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter. “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” “Well, I guess that i…

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have lovemaking with him since he only had 24 hours to live. “Of course Darling,” she replied. And so they have lovemaking. Four hours later…

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all  these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”  His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at  myself and repeat,… “I do not Hav…

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because i…

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son,…

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?’ The l ady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’ The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of th…

An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him. They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food. Another spits in the truck driver’s milk. The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground. So old man gets up and leaves…

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil? The eggs are go…