very-funny

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.  Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a p…

A woman is looking in the mirror, unhappy with her reflection when her husband enters the room. Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him. “Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.” Silence… “I look old, fat, and ugly.” More Silence… Leaving all se…

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answ…

April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her “girls day” outing. “But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great for me.” “Why, what happened?” he asked. “I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly no…

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted …

One day he arrives home looking downcast “That's it,” he tells his wife “I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went.” His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don't you take my brother with you and give…

My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls’ toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of i…

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’ Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’ St. Peter said, ‘I’m so…

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”. Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two h…

An old Man walked into the bank and stood in the queue, when it was his turn he handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10.” The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.” The old man wanted to know the reason for this. The teller returned his bank card a…

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football!” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score!” After about five minute…

A Woman, who had lately lost her husband, used to go every day to his grave and lament her loss. A Farmer, who was engaged in ploughing not far from the spot, set eyes upon the Woman and desired to have her for his wife: so he left his plough and came and sat by her side, and began to shed tears himself. She asked him…

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.  A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. …

They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives. The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol’ ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.” Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.” First lad…

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip, shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the thre…