very-funny

A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it’s so unknown that no ship ever comes near it. 10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all thi…

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, ‘Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’ He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign that says, ‘Sisters of Mercy House of…

A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy…

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said, “the sky is absolutely blue” The teacher said no, “it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.” Another little boy raised his hand and said, “the leaves on the trees are absolutely green” The teacher s…

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).   When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”   He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to rem…

Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Rocco for dinner; he lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Rocco’s roommate is. As the evening went on, MaMa watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate t…

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fu…

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.” “Uh huh,” said the old man. “We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman. “Uh huh,” said the o…

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and o…

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the …

After 15 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 10 years, but the demands of m…

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like someth…

An old man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful uniformed woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that, because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing…

Little Johnny’s mother had been noticing that his math grades had been steadily declining. She decided to have a chat with Johnny about his disinterest in math, being more responsible with his studies, and the importance of bringing his grade up. The next quarter ended, Johnny’s report card came out, and his math grad…

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously. “What happened!! I'll tell you what happened I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home…