very-funny

An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him. They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food. Another spits in the truck driver’s milk. The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground. So old man gets up and leaves…

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil? The eggs are go…

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” …

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages. She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy callin…

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy t…

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having on…

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don’t k…

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you” She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as…

Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much. In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare a$s. After two hours Bob’s wife came h…

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He’s so angry, he shouts “God dammit, I missed!”. The nun reminds him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in h…

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his bomb!” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time…

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosse…

A 93-year-old living in a senior living facility was forced out of the premises by cops for not paying her rent. Juanita Fitgerald was left shaken after being physically dragged out of the property. According to  WKMG Click Orlando , she did not pay rent for three months. Fitzgerald was reportedly told that she will…

A woman went to the doctor’s office and is seen by one of the new young doctors.   After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in…

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last …