very-funny

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam: “Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”…

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward. She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. T…

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?" THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT W…

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.  I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered, 'No, this is my …

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.   The wife agreed to this but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there…

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.   “Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man. The peddler showe…

An elderly lady decided to celebrate her 70th birthday by spending the night in an expensive hotel. When she left the next morning, the receptionist gave her a $250.00 bill. She exploded and wanted to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overni…

Husband & Wife were watching TV when Wife said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.” She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches. Rinsed out the bowls, took vegetable out of the freezer for morning, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spo…

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, So one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.   His wife watched…

DDDDDDDDDDD An elderly Texas farmer was selling peaches that he had grown on his farm, door to door. He knocked on one door and a shapely 40 something gorgeous woman opened it, dressed in a very sheer negligee. He raised his basket up to show her the peaches and asked her, “Would you like to buy some peaches?” The wo…

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they cross the desert, their car breaks down. They don’t have a phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest town several miles away. Each of them decides to do one thing to make the trip better The first blonde takes the radio and says, “If we get b…