very-funny

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. “Mom, what s this?” I asked. “Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,”…

… the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife Tearfully she explained, “It's the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, ju…

It is a police inspector who gives a job interview to three blondes in order to find the next inspector. He looks at the first blonde with spite and shows her a photo. – He’s a suspect, take a good look at his photo for 30 seconds and tell me how you would recognize him on the street? The blonde replies: – Easy, he o…

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys…

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. “What’s wrong?” The depressed one replied, “I’ve been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away.” The other lady asked, “What did they used to do?” The depressed lady replied, “Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a m…

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said, “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.” The blonde took another sho…

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?” Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The first eez that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?…

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what’s your name?” “I’m Phil and I’m OK thanks,” I replied. “Phil, forget your troubles Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you …

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.” “Why not?” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.” The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.” …

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in P…

It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.” The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.” A woman gets cheated by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that th…

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the my wife.” “Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”   Really,” said Charles “now that’s a switch! What did she say?” “S…

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with …

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my undressed body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to bang your brains…

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. “Is the housewife in?” he asked. The …