very-funny

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?” So the first man …

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and  even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for l…

A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says: “Hey baby, want to have sex?” The nun says: “God no!”, so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him: “Hey man, you see that graveyard across the street?” The hippie: …

An elderly man paddy goes into a pharmacy – reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. “Could you taste this for me, please?” The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid aroun…

THREE WOMEN Three women, two younger, and one a senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The first young woman pressed her forearm and the bee stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin …

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle... especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the sho…

I will always need my son, no matter what age I am. My son has made me laugh, made me proud, made me cry, hugged me tight, seen me fail, cheered me up, kept me on my toes, and at times driven me crazy. My son is a promise that I will have a friend forever. When I was having mood swings and foods I previously loved ma…

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anythi…

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them ‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’ Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re…

A 6 yr old boy was in the market with his 4 yr old sister. Suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind. He stopped and looked back. His sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest. The boy went back to her and asked, “Do you want something?” The sister poi…