very-funny

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. “235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whateve…

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up t…

A guy asked a girl in the library. “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl answered with a loud voice. “I don’t want to spend the night with you.” All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him. “…

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I…

A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on the TV. The woman reporter shouts out ‘This just in! A man Is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump’ The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers, ‘I bet you $50 that the man’s gonna jump.’ The blonde res…

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, “I want to feel your bre@sts” he exclaimed. “Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied. “I want to feel your bre@sts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says. “Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!” “I want to feel your bre@s…

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours…

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he bec…

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down o…

They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy. After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel. He turns to his young bride and says “Honey, I’m tired after all this excitement. I’m going to go to bed. See you in the morning.” She say ok, and off he goes to bed, while she stays in the livin…

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have nice voices.…

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees. She explained that, “When a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.” Little Johnny — at the back of the class — put his hand up and asks the teacher, “Are you sure about the sto…

For his birthday, the little boy asked for a 10 speed mountain bike… … but his Father explained that with the boys’ Mother just losing her job, and their £80,000 mortgage, there was no way that such a gift could be afforded. The next day, the man saw  his son packing his suitcase, and said, ‘C’mon, Son, it’s not that …

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag a…

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making …