very-funny

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all  these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”  His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at  myself and repeat,… “I do not Hav…

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because i…

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son,…

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?’ The l ady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’ The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of th…

An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him. They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food. Another spits in the truck driver’s milk. The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground. So old man gets up and leaves…

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil? The eggs are go…

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” …

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages. She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy callin…

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy t…

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having on…

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don’t k…

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you” She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as…

Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much. In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare a$s. After two hours Bob’s wife came h…

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He’s so angry, he shouts “God dammit, I missed!”. The nun reminds him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in h…

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his bomb!” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time…