very-funny

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.” The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could…

A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person…

A very tall man walks into a bar… and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. “What’s that for?” the lady questions.” Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, p…

After a while, One guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.” The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!” The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?” The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.” The first guy respon…

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree. When one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and, I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really!   Like a newborn baby?” “…

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy” “Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?” “Viens a moi.” “Viens a moi? What the does that mean?” At this stage the store cler…

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horribl…

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar  Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her  After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl …

A young couple move into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside. Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.” Her husband looks on, remaining sile…

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman s…

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. “You up for some role play action, babe?” She asked with a wink. “Not really.” I replied. “Oh, come on.” She said. “We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want.” Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her …

A Young beautiful teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz “behind my back I’ve got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?” she asked. “an apple” replied little Raymond “no,” said the teacher ” it’s a tomato but it shows you are thinking.” “I’ve now got something round, a greenish colored you…