very-funny

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horribl…

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar  Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her  After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl …

A young couple move into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside. Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.” Her husband looks on, remaining sile…

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman s…

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. “You up for some role play action, babe?” She asked with a wink. “Not really.” I replied. “Oh, come on.” She said. “We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want.” Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her …

A Young beautiful teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz “behind my back I’ve got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?” she asked. “an apple” replied little Raymond “no,” said the teacher ” it’s a tomato but it shows you are thinking.” “I’ve now got something round, a greenish colored you…

The man wanted the most expensive lady in the house The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. “May I help you?” she asked. “I want to see Penny,” the man replied. “Sir, Penny is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer som…

She explained to her husband that the devil made her buy the sexy dress A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse. “How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!” “I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He co…

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child. The judge asks the woman: “Why do you feel you deserve custody?” The woman says: “I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody.” The judge nods his head, and says “Tha…

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, “You look so beautiful and sexy my darling.” The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.”

Mr. Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.”. “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve pers…

My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full speed, without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital. When he arrived, unfor…

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain tra…

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn’t had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”Prostitute: “C’mon man…. give it a try… “Old man says okay. Th…