very-funny

The man wanted the most expensive lady in the house The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. “May I help you?” she asked. “I want to see Penny,” the man replied. “Sir, Penny is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer som…

She explained to her husband that the devil made her buy the sexy dress A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse. “How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!” “I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He co…

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child. The judge asks the woman: “Why do you feel you deserve custody?” The woman says: “I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody.” The judge nods his head, and says “Tha…

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, “You look so beautiful and sexy my darling.” The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.”

Mr. Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.”. “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve pers…

My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full speed, without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital. When he arrived, unfor…

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain tra…

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn’t had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”Prostitute: “C’mon man…. give it a try… “Old man says okay. Th…

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in,…

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, …wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dre…

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife n****ked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes…

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother. As she’s perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she’s ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.”Oh, sorry,” the cashier replies. “That one’s not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a w…

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said,… “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.” “She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.” His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any wa…