very-funny

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in,…

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, …wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dre…

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife n****ked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes…

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother. As she’s perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she’s ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.”Oh, sorry,” the cashier replies. “That one’s not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a w…

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said,… “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.” “She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.” His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any wa…

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her distinct lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?” Ole demanded. “Well,” she said. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Swede imm…

She explained to her husband that the devil made her buy the sexy dress A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse. “How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!” “I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He co…

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him into the closet stark undressed. The husband, however,…

A woman goes to a doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 lady parts. What can you do for me?” The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three lady parts, side by side. After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets o…

There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few …

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”. So he leaves the sit…