very-funny

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother. As she’s perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she’s ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.”Oh, sorry,” the cashier replies. “That one’s not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a w…

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said,… “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.” “She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.” His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any wa…

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her distinct lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?” Ole demanded. “Well,” she said. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Swede imm…

She explained to her husband that the devil made her buy the sexy dress A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse. “How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!” “I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He co…

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him into the closet stark undressed. The husband, however,…

A woman goes to a doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 lady parts. What can you do for me?” The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three lady parts, side by side. After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets o…

There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few …

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”. So he leaves the sit…

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard no…

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired. “I want 6 shots of magisterial,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. Bu…