very-funny

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her distinct lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?” Ole demanded. “Well,” she said. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Swede imm…

She explained to her husband that the devil made her buy the sexy dress A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse. “How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!” “I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He co…

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him into the closet stark undressed. The husband, however,…

A woman goes to a doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 lady parts. What can you do for me?” The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three lady parts, side by side. After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets o…

There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few …

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”. So he leaves the sit…

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard no…

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired. “I want 6 shots of magisterial,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. Bu…

A lady bought a new Lexus cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn’t working. “Madam”, said the sales manege, “the audio system in this car is completely automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!” She drives out, some…

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags him…

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of. The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost…

It was about a month ago when a woman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.” “Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.” “But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.” “I admit that …

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time h…

A blonde has failed the written driving test four times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass: But the test had the same question. “You are driving at 100 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left, is a cliff. On the road, you see an older man and a young man. What will you hit? The Woman walked up to the…