very-funny

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard no…

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired. “I want 6 shots of magisterial,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. Bu…

A lady bought a new Lexus cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn’t working. “Madam”, said the sales manege, “the audio system in this car is completely automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!” She drives out, some…

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags him…

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of. The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost…

It was about a month ago when a woman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.” “Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.” “But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.” “I admit that …

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time h…

A blonde has failed the written driving test four times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass: But the test had the same question. “You are driving at 100 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left, is a cliff. On the road, you see an older man and a young man. What will you hit? The Woman walked up to the…

A man enters the emergency room with two black eyes, multiple lacerations, and a seven iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor pulls him into one of the examining rooms and says, “What the hell happened to you, my friend?” “Well, doc,” the man replies, “It’s like this. My wife and I were out on the golf course of…

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of …

Three newlywed men were discussing their wives. The first guy  married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking. The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line. The second  guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cle…

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.” The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk po…

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinating.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinating.” Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was  fascinated.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinated.” So final…

I went to a mixed religion convention. The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amus…