very-funny

A man enters the emergency room with two black eyes, multiple lacerations, and a seven iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor pulls him into one of the examining rooms and says, “What the hell happened to you, my friend?” “Well, doc,” the man replies, “It’s like this. My wife and I were out on the golf course of…

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of …

Three newlywed men were discussing their wives. The first guy  married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking. The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line. The second  guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cle…

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.” The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk po…

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinating.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinating.” Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was  fascinated.” The teacher says, “No that’s fascinated.” So final…

I went to a mixed religion convention. The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amus…

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. Using a process developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told them how the student made a difference to her a…

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.” The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all th…

A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport. As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on. She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace. A man sat down in the next seat, open…

My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her. My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your fami…

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, …

Ed and his wife Norma faithfully go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would plead, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Frugal Norma would always sternly reply, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!” After years and years of failed attempts, one y…

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that flo…

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing …

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched,  the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with…