very-funny

My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her. My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your fami…

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, …

Ed and his wife Norma faithfully go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would plead, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Frugal Norma would always sternly reply, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!” After years and years of failed attempts, one y…

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that flo…

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing …

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched,  the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with…

A senior couple decides to try v*agra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together. In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?” He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I’m not hungry ri…

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”. The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?” Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh” Artist: “you know how much thi…

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their…

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar. So, one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know the same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a si…

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room. He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset. “What’s the matter?” She asks “I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos “Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of …

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says, “Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.” His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could ge…

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The elderly lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two a…

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home. They took him in on his wheelchair. A young nurse met them. “Welcome to our nursing home Let me show you around” She said in a friendly tone as she took the wheelchair. She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. “Th…

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middl…