very-funny

A senior couple decides to try v*agra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together. In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?” He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I’m not hungry ri…

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”. The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?” Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh” Artist: “you know how much thi…

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their…

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar. So, one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know the same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a si…

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room. He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset. “What’s the matter?” She asks “I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos “Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of …

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says, “Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.” His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could ge…

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The elderly lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two a…

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home. They took him in on his wheelchair. A young nurse met them. “Welcome to our nursing home Let me show you around” She said in a friendly tone as she took the wheelchair. She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. “Th…

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middl…

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwi…

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar. They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds…

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said: “I think I’ll walk up ther…

While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question,  “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said,  “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister. Suzie repli…

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar. They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds…

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems like she’s doing fine, but after a while she…