very-funny

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The elderly lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two a…

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home. They took him in on his wheelchair. A young nurse met them. “Welcome to our nursing home Let me show you around” She said in a friendly tone as she took the wheelchair. She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. “Th…

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middl…

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwi…

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar. They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds…

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said: “I think I’ll walk up ther…

While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question,  “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said,  “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister. Suzie repli…

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar. They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds…

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems like she’s doing fine, but after a while she…

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her undressed. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. “I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a g…

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something much more special.” The …

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.  The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.  "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu.  Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.  " A little …