very-funny

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.” “That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the …

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United” was the reply. “We …

A man gets on a bus and sits next to a lady with a child .. The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, “You better take to the milk, or I’ll give it to this man sitting here… “She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the ba…

A woman was with her boyfriend in her bedroom when she heard her husband coming up the front door. In a panic she told her boyfriend “Hurry, stand in the corner and do not move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this, honey?” Her husband asked walking into the room. “Oh, it’…

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and afte…

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, “Uhh, what are they again?” The blond cop replies, “Ugh. It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.” “Oh yeah,” says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hand…

A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery. She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived! One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out”. Then she sat him …

Little Johnny was a seven year old boy. He was naughty, funny and very mischievous. One day, his mom was unwell and he was looked after by his daddy. Little Johnny’s daddy asked him to go to bed as it was close to 9.30 pm. Little Johnny went to his room. His daddy was watching television in the living room. It was 9.4…

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes d…

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde. IThe Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied It’s squar…

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas.   His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if he wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.   So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be g…

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well you know y…

A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway…

Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends. “It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a blowjob!” “You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!” They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, also?” “Ugh! Tha…

There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologised to her her cleavage would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and s…