very-funny

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?”     countered the doctor. “Well it’s qui…

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor “Jim, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sin…

A husband leans over and asks his wife “do you remember the first time we had make love together over fifty years ago?” “We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.” OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again…

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic, however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow-plow to come by, and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow-plow came by, and she started to follow it. It was a diffic…

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a bible scholar.” he replies. “A bible scholar? Hmmm,” the father s…

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting. “What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up t…

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?” He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.” She thinks to herself “I’m gonna f…

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. “Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?” The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates. “Prac…

The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.” The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.” The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we ca…

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better!” “I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.” “What do you think about that, doc?” The doctor considered the question fo…

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!” “I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!” “I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha. The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, “…

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner. When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life. “Have these dishes ever been washed?” Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime. Jim replied, “They’…

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away… At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan… They open the casket, and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for another…

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asks ...  “Really? Who is giving that lect…

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered: “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked: “Is your Dadd…