very-funny

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?” He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.” She thinks to herself “I’m gonna f…

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. “Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?” The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates. “Prac…

The boss calls his secretary and says, “Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip.” The secretary calls husband and says, “Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself.” The husband calls his girlfriend and says, “My wife is going on a business trip come home we ca…

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better!” “I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.” “What do you think about that, doc?” The doctor considered the question fo…

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!” “I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!” “I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha. The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, “…

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner. When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life. “Have these dishes ever been washed?” Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime. Jim replied, “They’…

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away… At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan… They open the casket, and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for another…

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asks ...  “Really? Who is giving that lect…

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered: “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked: “Is your Dadd…

A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head. The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’ The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’ ‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehors…

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, ki**** her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s …

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, “Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!!” She forgets where she is, eve…

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained. “These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others. “The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior. After heari…

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!” “Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.” The wife say…

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, th…