very-funny

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. “Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.” She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scr…

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?” “Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?” “Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they shouldn’t eat wa…

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. “Honey?” “Yes, darling?” “Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.” “Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” She re…

John hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 1 She said, “What was your toast?’ John said: “Here’s to…

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbe…

The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh, I see,” …

The man’s wife was upstairs with the boss doing things she shouldn’t be doing A man goes to a restaurant for dinner. He has a seat at a table and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He beckons the waiter over and asks, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A pe…

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally rememb…

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked. The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.” “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam…

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to st…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend.”   I understand he took to drinking right after we   split up those many years ago, …

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. “Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.” The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket. “Here you a…

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”. They no sooner get out of the store and ...    They no sooner g…

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Va@ina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, &…

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and …