very-funny

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them t…

A young boy was teaching mathematics to a young girl saying that this was his good deed. He kissed her; he then kissed her again; he kissed her a third time adding “There, thats addition”. She silently gave him the kisses back sweetly saying ” So that will besubstraction?”. They then kissed each other at the same tim…

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” The husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,… “I do not Have…

ne day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?” The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.” So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says, “You know Sara, you have the greatest fronts I have ever seen. I’d give you …

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His fat…

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my…

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman fi…

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names: . Tender one . Amazing one . Lady of my dreams She called the Tender One and his mother answered. Then called the Amazing One and his sister answered! When she dialed the third number her own phone rang!!!! She cried until she got her eyes swollen because she…

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?” The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.” The man responds “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did   “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did   you…

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered. He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the wom…

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?” “Objection!” said the defense attorney “Irrelevant!” “Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand “I don’t mind answering the question.” “I object!” th…

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t  miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. …

A Wife leaves her Cat in the care of the Husband A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her beloved cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, “The cat just died.” She burst into tears and sa…

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion. The husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass. His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife.” He explains, “She took to drinking right after we divorced seven…

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip. She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe’s land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy. During the woman’s time…