very-funny

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?” “Objection!” said the defense attorney “Irrelevant!” “Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand “I don’t mind answering the question.” “I object!” th…

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t  miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. …

A Wife leaves her Cat in the care of the Husband A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her beloved cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, “The cat just died.” She burst into tears and sa…

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion. The husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass. His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife.” He explains, “She took to drinking right after we divorced seven…

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip. She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe’s land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy. During the woman’s time…

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.   So they did.  Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”   On the way to his office he regretted…

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’  Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silen…

A 67 year old woman walks into a drugstore.   There’s a lot of people in the store, and she goes to stand in line. After a while, it’s her turn at the counter. She asks, “Hi, do you sell extra large condoms?” The cashier says “Yes” and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by, and the pharmacist notices that…

A wife sent a message to her husband Wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.” Husband:Who is Priscilla? Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message. Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are…

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he k…

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency… … looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers ar…

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?” And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy s…

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing h…

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.   After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.   The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”   The driver sped up, but the old man’s face staye…

There is this girl, she is five. She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend she says, “you mother f*ck!ng @$$h0le!” Just then jill, that’s the little girl, interrupts them talking and blurts out, “Big Sis,what does @$$hole mean? The girl surprised by the question,says, BOYFRIEND! Oka…