very-funny

Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.   Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it…

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. We were fooling around, the passion started to heat up, when she suddenly says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?” Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just…

“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer. “How's that?” his other friend asked. “Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren't mine.” The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn…

A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse. He says: – To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses. – To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza. – To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Cent…

An 89 year old man goes to the urologist “Doc,” he says, “I need a vasectomy.” “A vasectomy? Why in the world would you need a vasectomy at your age?” “Well doc, I just married a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and last night she told me she was pregnant! I can’t have more kids at my age!” The doc thought for a second a…

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment… The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound,…

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner.   “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.   Later, he offered her a cigarette.   “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again.   On the drive home, he saw a motel.   Figuring he had nothing t…

Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exc…

A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and…

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You're the father of …

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 per…

Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home. Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden. One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her, “You know what I miss most of all ?” …

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or p…

I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… Dear Dad. It is with gre…

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Fran…