very-funny

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire show every year, And every year Bill would say, ” Blanche, I’d like to ride in that there ‘elicopter “ Blanche always replied, ” I know Bill, but that ‘elicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid ! “ One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill sa…

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?” “Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” sno…

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a sea…

A husband and wife’s last child goes off to college… The husband’s friend asks him what it’s like having no kids around. “It’s awful,” the husband says, “my wife now treats me like one of the kids. She’s started picking out my clothes. She’s tries to give me baths. At the grocery store she slaps my hand any time I rea…

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he’s at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finall…

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. “What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?” she asked. “First I’d have to know more about the child,” the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. “He’s very bright and quick- wi…

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. “Breast fed,” the woman replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the do…

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "…

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house. They both decided it was time to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. “Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this was cute. “Well,” said Little Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s…

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to…

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Econ…

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad…

A man gets a prescription for Vi@gr@. That night he takes a big dose, and he and his wife have a wild night of passion: The next morning, his wife says to him. “Dear, how about I make us some breakfast? Eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some fresh fruit?” The husband replies. “You know, I’m not really hungry. Maybe it’s a sid…

There was once Little Johnny in first grade His teacher once asked him: “Do you know what the chicken gives us?” “Eggs” he answered “Correct, anything else?” “More eggs” “Besides the eggs, what does the chicken give us?” “Even more eggs, ma’am” “I’ll give you a hint – it’s something fluffy” The Little Johnny stays s…