Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to 

tell you that I’m leaving you for good. 

I’ve been a good man to you for seven 

years and I have nothing to show for it. 

These last two weeks have been hell. 

Your boss called to tell me that you had 

quit your job today and that was the 

last straw. Last week, you came home 

and didn’t even notice that I had gotten

 a new hair cut, cooked your favorite 

meal, and even wore a brand new pair of

 silk boxers later that night. You came 

home, nibbled at your food for two 

minutes, and went straight to sleep 

after watching all of your soaps. You 

don’t tell me you love me anymore, You 

don’t want sex anymore or anything. 

Either you’re cheating on me or you 

don’t love me. Whichever is the case,… 

I’m gone. Signed, Your EX-Husband P.S. 

Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I 

are moving away to West Virginia 

together. Have a great life! Dear Ex-

Husband, Nothing has made my day 

more enjoyable than receiving your 

letter. It’s true that you and I have 

been married for seven years, although 

a ‘good man’ is a far away from what 

you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much

 because they drown out your constant 

whining and griping. It’s just too bad it 

doesn’t work. Yes, I did notice when you 

got a hair cut last week, and actually the

 first thing that came to my mind was 

“You look just like a girl” but my mother

 raised me not to say anything at all if 

you can’t say anything nice. And when 

you cooked my favorite meal, you must 

have gotten me confused with my 

SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 

seven years ago. I turned away from 

you when you had those new silk boxers

 on because the price tag was still on 


them. I prayed that it was just a 

coincidence that my sister had just 

borrowed fifty dollars from me that 

morning and your silk boxers were 

$49.99… After all of this, I still loved you

 and felt that we could work it out. So 

when I discovered that I had hit the 

lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my

 job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.

 But when I got home you were gone. 

Everything happens for a reason I 

guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life 

you’ve always wanted. My lawyer said 

with the letter that you wrote, you 

won’t get a dime from me. So take care. 

Signed: Rich As Hell and 

Freeeeeeeeeeee! P.S. I don’t know if I 

ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’ 

was born Carl. I hope that’s not a 


problem for you.  

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