Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to
tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good man to you for seven
years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had
quit your job today and that was the
last straw. Last week, you came home
and didn’t even notice that I had gotten
a new hair cut, cooked your favorite
meal, and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers later that night. You came
home, nibbled at your food for two
minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You
don’t tell me you love me anymore, You
don’t want sex anymore or anything.
Either you’re cheating on me or you
don’t love me. Whichever is the case,…
I’m gone. Signed, Your EX-Husband P.S.
Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I
are moving away to West Virginia
together. Have a great life! Dear Ex-
Husband, Nothing has made my day
more enjoyable than receiving your
letter. It’s true that you and I have
been married for seven years, although
a ‘good man’ is a far away from what
you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. It’s just too bad it
doesn’t work. Yes, I did notice when you
got a hair cut last week, and actually the
first thing that came to my mind was
“You look just like a girl” but my mother
raised me not to say anything at all if
you can’t say anything nice. And when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must
have gotten me confused with my
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. I turned away from
you when you had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on
them. I prayed that it was just a
coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning and your silk boxers were
$49.99… After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So
when I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.
But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you’ve always wanted. My lawyer said
with the letter that you wrote, you
won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and
Freeeeeeeeeeee! P.S. I don’t know if I
ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’
was born Carl. I hope that’s not a
problem for you.
