very-funny

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” The husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,… “I do not Ha…

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. The burglar…

A couple were sitting in the lawyer’s office working on their will. The lawyer tells them that they should discuss end of life issues how they want to be treated. The man turns to his wife and says: “Please promise me that if I am ever dependent only on machines and bottled fluids to keep me alive, you will take actio…

Johnny decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Johnny’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible wea…

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other. The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says…

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys…

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. “What’s wrong?” The depressed one replied, “I’ve been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away.” The other lady asked, “What did they used to do?” The depressed lady replied, “Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a m…

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a supermarket. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge aske…

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship… With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show. Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: “Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up to your sleeve!” When he does a card trick, the parrot says: “Saw …

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. “Mom, what s this?” I asked. “Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,”…

… the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife Tearfully she explained, “It's the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, ju…

It is a police inspector who gives a job interview to three blondes in order to find the next inspector. He looks at the first blonde with spite and shows her a photo. – He’s a suspect, take a good look at his photo for 30 seconds and tell me how you would recognize him on the street? The blonde replies: – Easy, he o…

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys…

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. “What’s wrong?” The depressed one replied, “I’ve been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away.” The other lady asked, “What did they used to do?” The depressed lady replied, “Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a m…

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said, “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.” The blonde took another sho…