very-funny

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?” Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The first eez that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?…

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what’s your name?” “I’m Phil and I’m OK thanks,” I replied. “Phil, forget your troubles Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you …

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.” “Why not?” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.” The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.” …

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in P…

It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.” The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.” A woman gets cheated by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that th…

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the my wife.” “Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”   Really,” said Charles “now that’s a switch! What did she say?” “S…

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with …

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my undressed body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to bang your brains…

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. “Is the housewife in?” he asked. The …

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.” “That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the …

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United” was the reply. “We …

A man gets on a bus and sits next to a lady with a child .. The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, “You better take to the milk, or I’ll give it to this man sitting here… “She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the ba…

A woman was with her boyfriend in her bedroom when she heard her husband coming up the front door. In a panic she told her boyfriend “Hurry, stand in the corner and do not move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this, honey?” Her husband asked walking into the room. “Oh, it’…

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and afte…

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, “Uhh, what are they again?” The blond cop replies, “Ugh. It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.” “Oh yeah,” says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hand…